How Americanized Iyengar Are You? (NRIs = No Restriction Iyengars)

Disclaimer:

This post is an outcome of a lighthearted conversation with my friend. This blog entry is the culmination of unwanted/irrelevant observations done over the past decade. Intended to resonate with Sri Vaishnavas, who were driven out of the country due to lack of meritorious intellect, very low DOTE/TNPCEE/TOEFL/GRE/CECRI/any other paper based/computer based tests that involves understanding of fundamentals. Family compulsions, emotional bondage, deprivation of useful education or mere glamor of white skin or clean roads/air/water/life style or seeing Washington instead of Gandhi on your wallet are some of the other reasons that would have prompted you to travel out of India. All observations made are purely coincidental meant for fun and does not refer to any person living/dead, insensible/ or otherwise

1. You are a NRI, if you paid extra for baggage and carried only pickles/lentils/groceries/Thirupathi laddu/Kumkumam/Akshathai/Poonal/Pithalai Soombu/Sambrani in it.
2. You are a NRI, if you wallet has more number of pictures of gods than other official ids+dollar bills+credit cards+photo of family/kids.
3. You are a NRI, if  your Upanayanam was did on the same day as you wrote your GRE and Samshrayanam few days before you intend to leave to US.
4. You are a NRI, if you follow Sastram so much that you travel in/out of India just to do Sethu Snanam (please note refers only to Thirupullani and not Rameshwaram and not Mahabalipuram which refers to Ardha Sethu)
5. You are a NRI, if you think requesting the subway guy to change gloves makes your food more acharam.
6. You are a NRI, if whine continuously about Thirupathi/Srirangam/Kanchipuram, yet request your company to process your Green card on EB1.
7. You are a NRI, if you crib about tipping especially in an Indian hotel , even after requesting extra raitha 4 times and give excuse that “he is just and indian and this just an Indian hotel”
8. You are a NRI, if you insist in performing Dwadasi Paaranai, without even performing Upavasam on Ekadasi.
9. You are a NRI, you buy snow shoes from Woodlands(Adyar branch) and use it for all purposes (indoors, outdoors, snow, skiing, biking, walking, shopping and even shitting)
10. You are a NRI, if your perform Sandhyavandhanam at the stipulated time, that too only on Day Light Savings day and that too only PrathaSandhyavandhanam.
11. You are a NRI, if you blame everything on DMK or BS (Baaghawada/Bagwadh Sankalpam).
12. You are a NRI, if you are at your best discipline and behavior whenever there is a white guy in the room.
13. You are a NRI, if you complain about Britishers ruling India for 3 centuries for your pathetic, thick, accented, heavy dose of mother tongue influenced english.
14. You are a NRI, if you perform Sandhyavandhanam wearing socks on wooden floor in Winter. More wood == more acharam for NRI
15. You are a NRI, if you record and rerecord your voicemail over and over (minimum 25 times) to find the closet possible audio resembling American accent.
16. You are a NRI, if you are caught by your IT department trying to install unauthorized Tamil fonts, simply to read Thuglaq, Mangayar Malar, DhinaMalar and DhinaThanthi.
17. You are a NRI, if you try to over use your Iyengar Paribashai even while using swear words in Tamil.For ex: Saying Sambar instead of Kozambu is abacharam and Wo&%&& inga varum, seriyana W&*$$#$zhi voi neer is perfectly acceptable.
18. You are a NRI, if the number  of SriVaishnava e-groups you are member of is more than your age and/or is inversely proportional to the actual Sampradayic Intellect you possess.
19. You are a NRI, if you insist on marrying a women, who has the same qualification as you but still confine her to domestic chores or extra curriculars.
20. You are a NRI, if you systematically enforce madi/acharam/anushatanam on yourself and on your wife with the sole purpose of vacuuming her of whatever good knowledge she has and trivializing her.
21. You are a NRI, if you eat veggie food in non-veggie hotel and still proclaim the food is acharam enough.
22. You are a NRI, if you carry COSTCO branded water bottles even when you goto India, complain that there are no tissues in the bathroom, come back here and whine that there is no bucket in the restroom.
23. You are a NRI, if you use SKYPE for everything ranging from cookery recipes to Vedham/Prabandham/Upanyasam.
24. You are a NRI, if you find fault with every other SriVaishnavan around you and give lame excuse that he is not SriVaishnavan enough/Bagawathan enough.
25. You are a NRI, if you courier US time zone based Panchangam and Thirupavai/Srimad Bagwatham based thematic calendar every year from India.
26. You are a NRI, if your refrigerator has minimum of 3 jars of peanut butter, Maggi ketchup, Priyas Oorga and Gangai Theertham.
27. You are a NRI, if you were silk smitha standard transparent dhoti/veshti and crib about others dressing etiquette.
28. You are a NRI, if your Gtalk/Facebook status message is a direct Ctrl CV of a e-book from Sundaravalli or Ahobilavalli.org
29. You are a NRI, if you post a vedic/sastric quote and keep commenting on the same comment, like your own album pictures, comment on your own pictures and add chicks on facebook, just to check their photo album.
30. You are a NRI, if you are obsessive in using BS and “Narayana Kali Muthirthu” quote very 108 seconds.
31. You are a NRI, if your India trip is determined by the following variables: Maximum visitable divya desams, price of potato/thoram parupu,/ghee, Acharya`s sancharam schedule, availability of Vaathiyar at Thirupullani to do Sethu Snanam, wife`s rapport with your mom, kids digestive system, and Narada Gana Sabha kutcheris/crazy mohan dramas.
32. You are a NRI, that you care so much about Hiroshima/Nagasaki that your garage MUST have a Toyota Corolla/Camry or Honda Civic/Accord or both.
33. You are a NRI, if you have an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) in CTRL CV`ing whatever you read from Nrusimapriya/Ranganatha Padhuka to all your friends on your IM.
34. You are a NRI, if you suffer from PBD2(Post Bharanyasam Delusion), the OCD to join every orkut community/facebook group/yahoo e groups and try to proclaim Sriman Narayana is the supreme and canvass heavily against demi god worships (Sivan, Parvathi etc). You must have prior symptoms of PBD1(Pre-Bharanyasam disorder, where Bharanyasam simply refers to not eating outside and the assumption that Bharanyasam is done only during your old age/last few years of life).
35. You are a NRI, if you deliberately post in every imaginable online forums, in a language other than common medium of communication. The post MUST and WILL ONLY carry derogatory messages about other philosophies (dwaitam, adwaitam, Charvakam) other than Visistadwaitham.
36. You are a NRI, if the first activity you do after Bharanyasification is bashing other gods/philosophies and consider yourself as a league apart from other low lifers.
37. You are a NRI, if “U” blame “Y”ourself for incidents that happened centuries back without any reason.
38. You are a NRI, if your orkut/facebook album reeks  of pictures from google images or pbase/com/svami gallery which includes only pictures of temples/deities/acharayas.
39. You are a NRI, if you consider waffles/pastas/bagels as acceptable forms of bagwann nivedita breakfast.
40. You are a NRI, if your Upavasam day is followed by breaking fast with Dunkin Donuts` everything bagel (veggie cheese spread on the side) and medium hot coffee extra sugar.
41. You are a NRI, if you watch webcast of Thirupathi brahmotsavam every year without fail through your T1 internet connection at office but have never seen it live in Thirupathi during the initial few decades of stay in India.
42. You are a NRI, if you consider you can go scott free by doing anything before marriage and suddenly within hours after getting married, you become a protype gentleman+ agmark bagawathan ( atleast the psychological feeling).
43. You are a NRI, if you consider frozen veggies as acharam enough and the swad rice you cooked the night earlier becomes unfit for consumption according to Ahara Niyamanam.
44. You are a NRI, if you hate video games, but still end up being Wii partner for your kid and insist on playing only NFL/Baseball and call cricket as too Desi to be played in the US.
45. You are a NRI, if you insist on your wife wearing a Saree but you take the liberty to where anything and call it as part and parcel of american culture.
46. You are a NRI, if you are unable to have a healthy conversation with fellow SriVaishnavas without uttering the D word, F word or the C word , a minimum of 12 times.
47. You are a NRI, if a divine road trip (Divya Desa Yathra) in the US is nothing but cross coast driving accompanied by heavy dose of Gossip+ Periyar bashing+mid life crisis talks.
48. You are a NRI, if you do special aradhanai to perumal on Dec 31st, Jan1st, Nov 24th, Sep 3, May 29th and July 4.
49. You are a NRI, if you insist on having Honey Bunches Oats/cereals and ridiculing every other form of south indian/home made/amma`s breakfast while staying during a brief stay in India for vacation/leisure purposes.
50. You are NRI, if you formulate your own recipe for a coffee at STATBUCKS and insist that it costs only $1.60, incl tax even if the Barista looks at you with highest levels of disrespect/disregard/disgust.
51. You are a NRI, if you perform (given the minimal amount of time/space/opportunity/attention) you show massive testosterone surge in performing all Nithyakarma/Anushtanams in the center of the hall, in front of at least 2 dozen people, with eyes closed and pretending as though none noticed you.
52. You are a NRI, if you buy NORLECO/PHILLIPS wet&dry trimmer for Sarva-Anga Shavaram.
53. You are a NRI, if you still use Sudarmani/VIP/Tantex brand vests and briefs from the same location in India simply  due to sentimental value.
54. You are a NRI, if you steal stationary materials from office and give it to your kids on Hayagriva Jayanthi and enforce that it be kept in Perumal sannidhi first.

54 more to come………………………………………………………………..