As I was planning to wander through my fantasy land with my one eyed muscle, I glanced upon this interesting website: DOWRY CALCULATOR (©Tanul Thakur ). It is a fun site to sit down post power naps and play with. The basic idea is to enter the qualification of the groom [ caste, education, social status, family status, etc] and some feminist math calculates the potential amount of dowry you can expect to get. There about dozen combinations of data that you can enter and see what is your net worth[less]ness.
I decided to create the anti thesis of the dowry calculator by using some chauvinistic math and come up with an app which would say how much money you should pay to the bride to get married.
Question:
1. How soon would the groom`s age hit 30?
Choices:
- Blue ( 5 years, cool),
- Green ( 4 years, safe),
- Yellow (3 year, visit lot of temples to make Guru(Jupiter– decides marriage) more horny on your natal chart),
- Violet (2, final lap of single`s day out, house party etc),
- Orange (1, learn to bake warm apple pie), and
- Red ( 0, find some 2/10 women and settle down ), Pink, ( post 30, start thinking of alternative sexual lifestyles )
2. What is the bank balance on your savings account ?
Choices:
- Blue ( $150000, Cool) ,
- Green ($100000, Safe) ,
- Yellow($75000, start reading SriSthuthi (hymn read to increase wealth) daily),
- Violet ($50000, Start reading AbheethiSthavam (hymn recited to allay fear)daily )
- Orange ($25000, Arrange for Dhanalakshmi homam (full fledged homa/ritual) and make sure you remove the battery from the fire alarm/CO detector ) ,
- Red ($00000, apply for flippin burger jobs at Dunkin or MacDee), and
- Pink(all maxed out, marriage is only for people who are alive and not for zombies).
3. What is your VISA status?
Choices:
- Blue (Citizenship, Cool)
- Green (Green Card Obtained, Safe),
- Yellow (EB1, just matter of time)
- Violet (EB2 , running out of patience),
- Orange (H1/applied for GC, Whenever you goto India, please visit Visa Anjineyar),
- Red (Awaiting H1 approval, don`t sign apartment lease, keep going back to India as a very possible option), and
- Pink (Student Visa/OPT/CPT etc, Fantasize about Kapaleeswarar-Karpagambal celestial wedding BUT knowing in reality that the Pitchandi Thirukolam happens first).
4. Whats your BMI (Baldness: Mayiru (hair) Index)- Ratio of area of baldspot/area of hair on heard. Lower the better
Choices:
- Blue (0 or less than 0, even though your body would border the Karadi-ness, its marketable)
- Green (0.2, early symptoms of hair fall..proper hair conditioners/oil should suffice at this point)
- Yellow (0.4, MPB started…Minoxidil 2 times + Finpecia recommended)
- Violent (0.6, focus should be on retaining the available hair and forget regrowth)
- Orange (0.8, contemplating on BOSLEY)
- Red (1.0, full gone…fly to Canada and get the cheapest Hair system)
- Pink (Cho types, so single forever)
- Blue ( 6 pack abs, choo chweeet)
- Green ( Tones abs, coool)
- Yellow (lean build, healthy and fit)
- Violet ( mild obese, lazy at times and once in 2 weeks hittin` the gym)
- Orange (fat/NOT chubby…fat in ugly fashion)
- Red (very fat, gym? what gym?)
- Pink (obese, healthy? whats health?)
- Blue (Stan, MIT, Harvard, Berk ,Cambridge)
- Green (Ivy leagues minus the list above)
- Yellow (OSU, Penn State types)
- Violet (UCSB, UCSD, UCD, UIC types)
- Orange (ASU, NCSU types)
- Red (Ranked above 60, University of California @ some unknown zipcode types)
- Pink (Universities caught in illegal immigration racket)
- Blue (Swag-gasm, put any music I can show you my moves.. break-dance is must)
- Green (Multiple styles..Salsa, Zumba, Ball room etc..romantic, partner oriented dances)
- Yellow (Hiphop + funny moves found from sitcoms/viral videos etc)
- Violet (Bare minimum…wave hands, tap with shoes)
- Orange (Know how to get grinded/gyrated)
- Red (Abysmal, dance to cause uneasiness, embarrass others)
- Pink (Expert in Manal Kairu movie steps..a.k.a multi-tasking Shani Midhiching with Leg + Arisi Udaching with hand)
- Blue (Playaaaa, routine 1 night stands , random hookups etc)
- Green (After every daylight savings start/end)
- Yellow (1ce a year , testing the water etc)
- Violet (1 per visa change..f1-opt-h1== 3)
- Orange (Stripper, porn etc)
- Red (Olive oil)
- Pink (gay…)
Blue = 10 points, Green = 8 points, Yellow = 5 points, Violet = 2 points, Orange = 1 point, Red = 0 point, Pink = Go hang yourself and do the society a favor.
- 75-80== Awesome, almost a elite /celebrity. No need of dowry you are a chick magnet. Your stock value is that of GOOGLE
- 65-75 == Fantastic. Close to being an elite. Be prepared to share 75% of marriage expenses. Stock value is that of APPLE
- 55-65 == Average. Decent situation for you as long as you manage the entire marriage and hone up your cooking skills. Stock value is that of AT & T.
- 30-55 == Under Average. Little gloomy situation. Might have to compromise with a ugly or uneducated or under-qualified women. Stock value depends heavily on the economy especially the manufacturing and housing sector (must own a home). Stock value is that of CATERPILLAR.
- 0-30== Pray to god for a better chance in next birth. Stock value is that of RIM/Blackberry.
Seshu chellam, It seems you have all the time in the world to create such a hilarious write up, but no time to move from pink to red
. Why blood , same blood 
Posted by Seetharaman Venkatesan | December 18, 2011, 8:33 AMHello Mr. Seetharaman…move from pink to red???
Posted by Seshadri | December 18, 2011, 10:25 AMCan you revise your Yellow, Violet, Orange scaling in item 6. its itching me somewhere (esp. UIC & OSU).
Posted by Shriram | December 18, 2011, 5:26 PMMachi..addressed the issue…
Posted by Seshadri | December 18, 2011, 5:47 PM