Having planned to complete 54 more NRI (No Restriction Iyengar) chronicles , a quick detour from earlier principles prompted me to write this post about NAIs which is a offspring of NRI-isms.

Disclaimer:

1. Pun and fun alone intended

2. Thats all

Nomenclature

NAIs: New Age Iyengars a.k.a anyone who left the KarmaBhoomi to the BhogaBhoomi.

NOISE: Now Only Interested in Sampradayic Enrichment or  NOt Interested in Sampradayic Enrichment

As a temple bred NAI myself, looking at street NAIs , temple NAIs, NAI friends, NAIdu Hall NAIs, very NAIs, sorry NAIs , onshore NAI, offshore NAI,  I became tempted to jot down some classic idiosyncrasies and hypocrisies NAIs are guilty of since 1980s., when the first NAI-gration started. A prequel to this NAI post can be found at NRI (No Restriction Iyengar)

The initial NAI-gration wave started during the cold war days when there was overdose of Dravidian rhetoric. There was this niche soon-to-be NAI clan from Thanjavur jilla. These NAIs built up a good reputation for their intellect and their no-nonsensical approach to mundane as well as critical issues. Typically wives of 1st generation NAIs and  kids born to them are lesser educated than the head of the family.  s people say, good things come to an end, the first NAI-wave was heavily attenuated, superimposed with nonsensical intellectual bankruptcy in the 1990s by the second wave NAIs. The second NAI-gration wave can be renamed as AAIs (Abject Atrocious Iyengars). This NAI-wave unleashed a Tsunami of terrific, terrible, big mouthed computer geeeks whose  intellect was confined to the huge area which Columbus navigated centuries back (a.ka. jeeero or cyber or zilch). Typically wives of AAIs and their  kids are better  educated , literate and smarter than the AAI.

As nature slowly tries to balance itself (which would definitely fail) , the third NAI wave started in the 2000s from Chennai 600004, 600017, 600018 and 600028. These NAIs were/are/will always be CAT on the walls. They are either good in intellectual bankruptcy or bad in intellectual supremacy. They fast on Ekadasi and do binge drinking on Dwadasi with french fry boat as side. Saturday morning starts with Suprabatham and ends with Sahasranamam. Suddenly a multiple personality disorder strikes after 9 pm.  The 3rd wave NAIs are like genetic modified crop. Appears shiny, glossy but would rot within few days. They are a cross breed of 1st wave NAIs and second wave NAIs, putting them uniquely in a position to be useless when looked down or looked up. Basically in tamil lingo, it can be aptly called as rendu-gattan (neither this nor that).

After the brief overview about the state of the art (yes I am a researcher so shameless self promotion is allowed ) in NAIs, we now turn our attention to their respective NOISE. NAIs create NOISE over wide decibel range ranging anywhere from I am a Nithyasuri to I am also a Nithyasori. Majority of the populace fall between the Nithyasuri dB and the Nithyasori dB, the amount of people on the extremities are quite small. The following 9 step NAIe-verify would enable one to understand the bandwidth and attenuation capabilities of NAIs.

1. In a crowded gathering during religious functions, calculate the distance of the subject under investigation from the subject of the function. The distance is inversely proportional to NOISE (dB). Closer the proximity, higher is the knowledge vacuum.
2. When you have a quick look when they are traditionally attired (dhoti etc), try to evaluate how much the Dhoti is transparent. SilkSmitha standard transparency are hopeless and their NOISE dB is  high and  Colgate ad style white opacity means they are very dangerous for the proper functioning of the human ear.
3. Observe the verbiage/phonetics when you give a mic to a NAI. Using thick accent when talking in English and smooth , refined Brit style accent when reciting a slokam/hymn etc all are definitive indicators of a very high NOISE factor.
4.  Observe what you find when the car door of a NAI is opened. If you see lots of Dunkin Donuts tissues, used StarBucks coffee cups, Parle G biscut flakes and amidst all the chaos if you spot religious picture/book etc, this NAI has unlimited bandwidth along with physics defying capabilities of low pass, high pass and band pass filtering capabilities.
5. Check the attendance registry of the NAI. If long period of absence is punctuated with 120% presence for short duration of time, this NAI chose to neither bark or bite and the dB level is bearable at best.
6. When you enter a home of a NAI, the size of the LCD TV/HDTV is directly proportional to the NOISE factor. Bigger TV means more NOISE both from the TV and from the NAI.
7. When it comes to following pro-sports, NAIs with low NOISE typically do not give a darn about pro sports. NAIS with very high NOISE can easily be identified when they talk about pro-sports when the actual sporting series/league comes to an end (out of nowhere a high NOISE NAI becomes a sport enthusiast only on the day when the finals/championship is being played).
8. From 6 and 7 it can also be inferred that NAI  with huge/gigantic LCD TC/HDTV suck big time when it comes to following pro sports and eventually he nullify the very purpose of having a huge TV. These gigantic  TVs are primarily used to stream tele-bridge conferences from India (for which all you need is phone) or to watch Sundar C movies in HiDef or try to learn Guitar Hero and fail miserably like South Park  Randy Marsh: 
9. If you always sport a NAI in temple with their complete family (wife and kids), invariably this NAI has very high NOISE quotient.
10. In a nutshell, the mathematical formula to evaluate the NOISE quotient of a NAI is developed below.

Nomenclature:

A – Accent when talking infront of a mic. Units : heavy, mild, smooth, feminine.

D- Distance of the NAI from the center of activity. Units: Dangerously close, very close, close, away, far away, absent

E- Educational qualification. Units : PhD, M.S+MBA, M.S,MBA, B.E, B.Com, BBA, BCA, NIIT, 12th standard pass.

F- Presence of family even during mundane , insignificant events: Units: wife and kids, wife alone, kids alone, alone

J- Amount of junk in car. Units: Perennial hoarder, Transformers Part 3, safe footprint, dangerous foot prints, global warming levels.

S- Size of the LCD TV in house. Units: 60,55,50,40,32,16,14, CRT

T- Indicates the transparency the dhoti. Units- Revathi/Nadhiya types, Jayamalini types, Disco Shanth types, SilkSmitha types and Rain dance levels.

NOISE Quotient in dB = A. J. S. F/D.T.E